I’m well aware that today is just a number on a calendar. It’s not a solstice, planets did not align, it’s just one number being replaced by another number on a piece of paper. But for me, that simple change makes all the difference in the world.
I readily admit to sometimes being a bit much. I can just hear you now, saying “You, Erin? That absolutely cannot be.” (I can even hear you rolling your eyes as you say it.) But yes, it is, and I am. I enjoy setting goals, planning, getting things organized in order to make things happen, even the hard work of making something happen. I find that the more time I put into planning to getting something done, the odds increase exponentially of said thing happening in the manner in which I meant for it to happen in the first place. And that is why I’m happy to have closed the book (okay, slammed) on 2013. It was a beastly year, and every time I tried to move forward or even tack to get out of the muck and dead space that I was standing in, my legs were kicked out from under me. For someone who is used to moving forward or at worst in a forward-ish direction, this year has been demoralizing, an exercise in frustration while getting back up to try, try again.
I wish that I was stronger, more resilient. Remember that woman that danced–and danced really well, I might add–with her surgical team just prior to undergoing a double mastectomy? I wish that was me. Life handed her lemons and she made limoncello. She boogied with joy and abandon and love, and then asked others to do the same and send her the video to prove it. Me? I dug in, worked more but not necessarily smarter or better, and tried to control and organize my way out of chaos. This has mostly worked in the past, so why shouldn’t this approach work for me again? Life delivered a gut kick and then a few more gut kicks to ever-so-gently remind me that I am not in charge. (Thanks karma!)
So for this year, I resolve to be fearless, resolute, humble, generous, and to show more appreciation for those situations that temper my soul. I resolve to be more flexible, more giving, more open to people and situations and learning the hard lesson. I resolve to stop banging my head against rocks and to just go around them. I ran across this simple, brave quote by Louisa May Alcott, where she said, “I’m not afraid of storms, for I’m learning how to sail my ship.” (A friend thought that this was perhaps a more positive spin on my original kiss-off of “Suck it, you crappy year!”) In 2019, that’s me, sailing forth, with a smile on my face and a big glass of limoncello in hand.