Top Ten Reasons Farm Trucks Are Never Stolen, or Why the Valdez Reigns Supreme

I was cruising my newsfeed on Facebook yesterday afternoon when I spotted this article:

Top 10 Reasons Farm Trucks Are Never Stolen

  1. They have a range of about 20 miles before they overheat, break down, or run out of gas.
  2. Only the owner knows how to operate the door to get in or out.
  3. It is difficult to speed with all the fencing tools, grease rags, ropes, chains, syringes, buckets, boots, and loose papers in the cab.
  4. It takes too long to start, and the smoke coming up through the rusted-out floorboards clouds your vision.
  5. The Border Collie on the toolbox looks mean.
  6. They’re too easy to spot. The description might go something like this: The driver’s side door is red, the passenger side door is green, and the right front fender is yellow, and so on.
  7. The large round bale in the back makes it hard to see if you’re being chased. You could use the side mirrors, but they’re cracked and covered with duct tape.
  8. Top speed is only about 45 miles per hour, provided you have a good tailwind.
  9. Who wants a truck that needs a year’s worth of maintenance, u-joints, $3,000 in body work, tail lights, and a windshield?
  10. It’s hard to commit a crime with everyone waving at you.

I’m not certain who deserves the original credit for this, but I promise you that it gave me a good laugh. And for the record, every single one of these points is true except that you may not even make it 20 miles, that Border Collie might be a red or blue heeler or a German or Australian Shepherd, and you’d be darn lucky to have only $3,000 worth of body work on one of these monsters.

You see, despite the fact that my parents have a rather empty nest, you’d never guess it from their driveway. It generally looks like an impromptu antique truck emporium took root and forgot to leave. Besides the Explorer and the Kubotas, both of which are deemed safe for company, there is the MHT (Dad’s vintage truck), Gladys (the old ’65 jeep), George (1977 Ford truck), and the Valdez (a truck so old that even the duct tape is worn out, but Dad claims that is is also a 1977). For the record, the Valdez is widely considered to be Dad’s favorite. I think we got that truck from Potts McDonald, and it was old even when I was a kid. Its primary use is now feeding large bales to the ornamental Longhorns during winter or as a conversation starter. You’d be surprised how many people are curious about a truck named after an oil spill. You’d be even less surprised to hear that in its 40 years on planet Earth, it is has never once been in danger of grand theft auto.

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